My Grandma's in the ICU

     I got to watch my Grandma be loaded up into an Ambulance, and be taken away on Saturday (My Mom's birthday), Shes in the ICU right now, they discovered she has A-Fib, to go with her hypertension, Diabetes,  and Diverticulitis... they mostly have the A-Fib under control now, but shes not doing anything, but laying in her hospital bed. She is Super constipated, its hard as cement and her intestines are full from top to bottom, she may have to have surgery... 
     what if something happens and she dies?? Last Christmas, she was giving all her jewelry away, and she told me that if anything happened to her, that I was in charge of giving people her stuff... now I wonder... Did she know that something was going to happen, did she have a feeling? I just hope that she'll be ok <3 
     I use to wish that she would just die already, and now I take it back, All those times that I wished she'd die... I DON'T want her to die!! <3
     I hope everyone had a good thanksgiving!! :)

I'm doing better...

first of all, it's been awhile since I've written anything, I just haven't been up to it... My counselor decided it was time to take a "therapeutic break" until after Christmas... and I've also been trying to not bug Mrs.C too much.. My mom and I have been fighting off and on... My Grandma is sick... One of my friends is ignoring me. One of my friends is moving. My anxiety has been bad... I have been failing all of my tests in all of my classes... but Wendsday was awesome! I went to the movies with some other people from school (as a reward trip for being one of the people that sold the most cookie dough for our school) and Thursday we took a Party But to DQ, the one all the way across town, everyone got a soda, a mini blizzard, french fries and a hamburger, but I don't eat red meat so I had grilled cheese instead... and yes I did actually eat... but haha, I had to be first in line since I was getting grilled cheese instead, and My Social anxiety Kicked in immediately  I forgot what I was supposed to do, and say... I forgot to get my cup off the counter, and then Mr.B reminded me to get my cup, so I did, and then I just stood there, and then I finally tapped Mr.B on the back because I forgot what I was supposed to do... so then he told me what to do... haha it was pretty funny... but I had lots of fun! on the way from school to DQ nobody wanted to dance on the party bus, okay we all did, but where too afraid...but on the way back we all started dancing like complete idiots, it was SOO fun!! <3 haha when we first got on the party bus the first song that came on was Gives you hell- by The All American Rejects, and that is stuck in  my head!! and I've had another song stuck in my head for a cope of days... its The A team- by Ed Shreen... Friday was pretty awesome too, I watched my niece we had soo much fun!! <3 haha and My sister officially told me she's pregnant... I've known for a while.... but now I can Officially obsess over baby stuff!! haha my mom and I went to the store today and where looking at baby stuff! :) 

So I've had my good days, and my bad days... but in the end, Its just the good days that count!! <3 

Well....

okay so I made a promise to myself... I did some research and I thought I had depression, so I talked to my counselor, and she officially diagnosed me with Depression... I promised myself that if I thought about committing suicide again, I would tell someone. So today I started thinking about it again... and I know that I won't actually commit suicide, just to be on the safe side, I kept my promise to myself and I told... <3 I tild my school counselor, and she is gonna talk to me tomorrow...   

Rachel's Challange

Today at school we had an assembly, it was so powerful and moving, I went to the one for parents at the High school earlier tonight too... I accept Rachel's challenge  <3 you can see what it is all about here: www.rachelschallange.org

another website I like is: www.facingus.com...
I keep a diary on there, and can track my mood. :)

I'm doing okay right now... 

I made a promise to myself, and I intent to keep it <3 

:( Its Almost His Birthday...

the 6th is the devils birthday... :(  I feel like i'm getting sick to my stomach just thinking about it.... the 6ht is tomorrow... My first day of health went ok... I can't concentrate in any of my classes though :(

But on the other side, looking back, I've come a long ways in a year... and I didn't realize that until now... I hope that next year I will have gone even farther... because I will live to see next year <3 I will not kill myself, I'm finally not having Suicidal thoughts again for the moment... which is good <3

Oh No....

Tomorrow we have health... this year we talk about the reproductive system, and Sex. and we have to put a condom on a banana... :'( I hope I get a good grade, it's gonna be so hard to pay attention... 


on the other hand Its October...I think the 7th is the Devils birthday...


It's been almost a year since I first told... 

I realize now that it wasn't my fault, what he did... but I still think it was..

It was my fault... EVERYTHING

I told the devil when I was 3 that I didn't like boys, I liked girls... I don't remember everything I said. I didn't know how to explain how I was feeling, or even understand how I felt... But I tried to tell him. Well He got pissed, yelled at me, cussed at me, told me not to be Gay... I Didn't even know what Gay meant... Before I told him he was touching me and stuff... after he was done yelling at me, He Raped me (that was the first time.) and after that He kept raping me, and it got worse and worse, and worse... It was my fault, If I wouldn't have told him, he might have waited longer to rape me, he might have waited until I was a little older...  It was all my fault! </3 :'C 

I'm Gay

I told my mom that I was Gay this morning, and she said "how do you know?" so I told her... and then she said "You need to make sure that you aren't just taking the easy out of dealing with what happened to you, you still have a lot of stuff to work through. I'm not saying that what you're saying is wrong, I just want you to make sure, and you can't Really know for sure at this age anyways" then she got up and walked out of the room... I made mistakes in the past few days, but I learned from them, and in the process I helped someone... <3 I hope that he/she has a good life, and I wish him/her the best <3 It was good talking to him/her... I will worry about him/her.... and I hope that he/she knows that there are people there who want to help him/her weather or not he/she thinks so...  I hope she know that I'm sorry we can't contact each other anymore, but it's for the best... weather we want to accept that or not, we have to... <3 Kaylyn, have a good rest of your life! you have soo much to live for don't give up hope, stay strong, YOU WILL EVENTUALLY be ok! <3 HUGS <3 

WoW!?!?!?!? Confused...

okay so my vice principle passed by me in the hallway and she said to me " You are doing good this year! I haven't seen you in my office yet this year with your drama, Keep up the good work!!" I am trying to figure out if I truly am dramatic... 2 of my friends say I am... one says I'm not, and the other says that I am sometimes, but when I am I have a reason for it... I'm so confused!! am I dramatic?  IDK!!!
:/ I flunked my social studies test :'C I'm soo mad at my self!! 
I am In Love <3 I hate myself </3 But I love him... so I will stay...
There are 4 people keeping me going <3, My Boyfriend... My School counselor Mrs.C, My friend, and my other friend <3... They are the only reason I'm still here... <3 </3 <3

:)

This guy I like asked me out <3 <3 <3 I sad YES!!! L) :) :D I think I'm in Love <3

:)

Mrs.C yesterday said that she doesn't want to see any cuts on me, and she doesn't want me to cut where she can't see either... and that made it that much harder not to, but I didn't... I wanted to and I didn't, because she asked/told me not to, and I want to respect what she asked, and because she Cares. :) where as P she doesn't care.... >:( she said I'm causing Drama, and I need to work on direct communication, I'm thinking WTF I communicate just fine!!! But I like Mrs.C soooooooooooo much more then P...

Today was VERY interesting... I repeat VERY!!!

OMG I want to punch my Counselor (p we will call her...) So I told my school counselor that I use to cut... because If I told her I still am she would have to tell my mom... But she was worried, and cares <3 and she said "I'm sorry to her that :( I don't want to see any cuts on you you, and I don't want you to cut where I can't see either, But I will help you, I'm here for you, I will help you find better ways to release your emotions, we will work together <3" and when I told P she said " and why do you want to stop cutting?" and she was all mean... and when I told P that I told Mrs.C she said " Why did you tell HER? what where you thinking??? What did you expect from telling Her? You know how you said you Hate Drama??? welll You are creating drama!! and Mrs.C and I are adults and we want nothing to do with drama! You telling her and I, and not letting us tell your mom is like drama! Why not tell your mom?" I said "It would hurt her, more then it would help me" she said" she seems like a very nice caring understanding person, and like she loves you, You know that's what sex offenders do, they put a web between a child and the mom, so that they can't talk... You need to need to have a healthy relationship with your mom. you have been keeping all these secrets, and you are letting them go now and that's healthy, now you just need to tell your mom... and on and on and on.... I just wanted to reach through the phone and punch her!!! It will take EVERYTHING I have to not do so on Tuesday the 18th the next time I see her...
 On the other hand my sister MIGHT be pregnant... 
 My Best friend and I figured out something super cool!!! I can't text, so she texted my E-Mail address, and we talk that way!!
 My other best friend Is awesome too his name is Kaylyn!!! :)

My sister/ School...

My sister saw the 3 scars on my shoulder the other day... she said "what have you been doing?" and I said "the cat did it" and she just made a face, rolled her eyes and walked away... and then she was whispering to my mom... 

School... We had PBIS lessons all day today... :) :/ Yay... but they are boring... I saw one of the slides twice... because I tutor geometry 1st period then I have algebra 1  8th period... (PBIS = Positive behavior interventions support) 

In 8th period I got called to the counseling center at school (the cc)... so I went, and I did good good keeping my self calm on the way there!! My anxiety levels did rise tremendously... but not as much as they normally do. It turns out Debra our Counselling center Secretary just wanted to know if I would like to help a new student! :) I said I would Love to!! :) and then I asked Debra how her summer was and she said it was good, and she asked me how my summer was and I said that it was pretty good to begin with...  I told her about my trip to Florida... and we talked about how fast the summer went by. The whole time I was really shaky, and stuttering... I ate like 1/2 a cup of watermelon for breakfast... and nothing for lunch... so that's probably somewhat why... in class I could barely concentrate, and pay attention... and my vision was getting blurry... I was getting a little dizzy too... I've lost 4 pounds in the last 8 days... I saw Mrs.C and 
Mr.B too! :) 

First day of school!! :)

My first day of 8th grade was pretty good... I saw some of m,y old teachers.. :) and I like all of my teachers, I just got one teacher I don't really want, because his face looks kind of like my non existent dad's face... but I'll get trough the year... it'll be ok... I have 3 friends in that class, one of which is one of my VERY best friends!! <3 

Excited... and scared...

First day of 8th grade in exactly 11 hours... wow... excited, yet almost dreading it a little... I get to see my friends though...

I consider my Best friend my sister!! :) she is such a good friend! I'm glad I have her... She is a really good person! and without her being my friend... I might not be here... So Thank you to My Best friend/sister!! <3 Love ya!! In a friend kinda way...

Coffee!! And my best friend in the whole world/sister!!

<a href="http://www.blogger.com/"></a><span id="goog_2081741864"></span><span id="goog_2081741865"></span><br />

At my BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD/Sister's house!! We are drinking Coffee!! we both LOVE coffee!! :) We Just got back to her house from saving little kittens... and now we are getting ready to sneak out and we are going to sit on her porch and just talk, it is really dark out! It will be so much fun, and so calming, but we will get cold!! :( haha whatever, it is hot and stuffy in the house!! We technically got permission to sneak out, because my counselor told me to exercise my inner rebel... we are going to pull an all nighter!! it is going to be so fun... we are at the point right now we are tired, but don't feel tired so everything funny!! Haha lol :)

Maby...

Maby today I can achieve happiness! I'm going to my friend't house... So maby, just maby :) I haven't really been all that happy for awhile... 

Told My Counselor...

I told my counselor that I use to not eat much, and when I did that I puked up what I ate... I'm getting closer to not keeping as many secrets... I told her that I am good now though... but, that is kind of a lie... I HATE lying... but I'm still struggling a little bit... I'm considering telling her that I have a blog... But I think that If I do that she might want to check it out.. and I really don't want her to, I mean I kind of do, but I kind of don't... I want to but I don't... For me Blogspot is a place that I can spill out everything I'm feeling, and Everything I've been through... Everything and not worry, not worry what friends or family will think... not worry, just spill out everything and know it's safe... It's anonymous... IDK I'll think about it... but in the mean time... I Need to work on my deep/ belly breathing!! and I think that if my counselor ran across this blog... she would probably Think it was mine... but IDK... 

Confused

I'm so confused!!! :'( My dad screwed up! And that ruined my life... Everytime he hurt me, it took away a piece of my soul, a piece of me, a piece of my heart... and I'll never get those pieces back. But I'm confused!! He love me, but in the wrong way, yet he hated me! Which was it? Was it both?? It that possible?? all I wanted was for him to love me, like a father is supposed love his daughter! all I wanted was to be happy, to not worry, to just be me! But no... that wasn't possible.... I'm confused!! I'm confused about soo many things!!! :'( but one thing I know it: that all those pieces of my soul, me, my heart that where taken away from me, and I can't get them back... but I can get new pieces and put them there, or I can just start over, bring some of the old pieces and get all new pieces... 

Fat

I feel soo fat!! I weigh 164 pounds!!! 164! I'm about 5feet 4inches tall, and I need to lose weight!!! I Have to lose weight, I want to be 110-120 pounds... preferably 110, but what I would love is 100 pounds... maby less would be nice too... But I'm way too fat, and I can't seem to lose the weight!! I'm soo fat, and ugly GRRR! :'C I NEED TO,  I HAVE TO Lose weight!!! I can't stand being fat!!! School is going to start in a week, what are my friends going to think? I gained like 10 pounds over summer!! what are my teachers going to think?? Are they not going to like me because I'm fat? GRR :'C I Need to lose 44-64 pounds!!! 


My non existent dad was right!! I'm fat and I'm Ugly!!! :'(
Why does he have to be right??? :(

I need to prove him wrong, I need to lose weight!!!

Music

I Love Demi Lovato's songs!!! And Kelly Clarkson's!!! Demi Lovato is such a good singer, her songs have soo much meaning... Demi is my idol! 
I Love music, Music has the power to change anyone's emotions in the blink of an eye, the snap of a finger, and a tearfall from the eye. Music speaks the words we can't speak. Music says the words we are afraid to say, Music talks when we don't trust ourselves to speak. Music understands us!
I love music, I love most types of music and artists... Demi Lovato, Kelly Clarkson, All time low, Nickleback, Adele, Pink, Selena Gomez, Christina Perri, Katy Perry, Skylar Grey, Martina McBride, You name the person/band, and I probably like them!! Those are just a few...

I feel like I'm going to Cry...

I'm so confused!!! I Feel like I'm going to cry, and I almost have tears in my eyes, and I'm really sad, and I just don't even know how to explain what I'm feeling... but I can't cry, litrely I'm so close and decided to just let myself cry, but no tears are coming, even though they are right there... I don't understand...

Numb

I Have felt Numb for the past week... Just Numb... Nothing, NOTHING at ALL! and finally today when I was talking to my counselor, afterwards, I felt a little bit of happiness, just a tiny bit, but it was nice to feel SOMETHING, even though it is also nice not to feel anything... Well now I'm kind of slipping back into feeling Numb, and I Can't think of why, there is like absolutely no Reason!

I Told My Counselor! :/ :)

Okay, I Got it over with I told my Counselor that I Cut, and am trying to stop... She didn't even look shocked, she said that It didn't surprise her, and that I was doing better than a lot of people... I'm pretty sure that she was a little surprised though... I asked her if she thought that I did, and she said that I'd done REALLY good at hiding it, she didn't suspect a thing... I Thought that she did. I'm glad I Told her.  I Feel a little relieved... She of course asked me some questions, so that she can help me... But She she didn't ask questions like my mom would have... My Counselor has helped a lot people that cut. If I would have told my mom my mom would want to do Anything and Everything she could do to help me. She would ask me questions so that she could understand... But at least my counselor Understands, and the questions that she asked where so that she can help me, and I was expecting her to ask me some questions... One of my VERY FEW Friends told that I was VERY brave for telling, and she was proud of me...  I feel a little relieved for telling... A Little part of me thinks I Shouldn't have... BUT There is no reason that I Shouldn't have... my Counselor can and will help me. She Won't Judge me... (at least not to my face, but I don't think she's the type of person who would Judge someone else)... She asked me if I was Suicidal, I Told her No, That I was two years ago, but I'm not now... I am kind of proud of myself for telling her... One of the things she asked me was, Why do I Think I should stop. and I Don't really know, I Mean I Know its Dangerous and it's bad, I Don't know how it's bad though... I Want to stop because I Know that if anyone in my family found out they would freak out and probably be disappointed... but I Really don't know why I feel like I need to stop, I just do...

I Cry

I Cry,

I Cry and wonder why,

Why you hurt me, 

You HURT ME!!!

I Wonder why you hated me,

Why you loved me the wrong way...

Was It something I did?

Did I do something?

I Don't understand!

I Don't! I Don't understand!

I Cry and wonder how,

How could you hurt me? How could hate me?

How could you love me the wrong way? How could you harm me? 

Sweet, kind, caring, trustworthy, innocent little me!

I Cry and think did I Do something?

I Think How could you?

I Want to know, What did I do? 

Why didn't you love me,

Love me like a father is SUPPOSED to love his daughter!

Why Did you hate me?

Why did you hurt me? 

What did I do?

How could you hurt me? 

Your own daughter!

I didn't understand, I just wanted to know what was happening! I Just wanted to know why! I Didn't mean to cry!

But now I Cry, 

I Cry BECAUSE I CAN!!!

I am proving you wrong, I am becoming successful in life!!!

I Get good grades!

I am not any of the things you told me I Was! 

I'm not your daughter anymore,

You aren't my daddy anymore,

You had your chance,

You failed, 

You screwed up so bad that you don't deserve a second chance!

Because If I gave you a second chance, you would screw that up too...

You aren't my dad. I Have no dad.

You can apologize all you want, Even though I DOUBT that you will... But IF you do, I Will NEVER forgive you!

I can accept what you did, But I Won't forgive you!

It takes a while to trust someone... and once you break their trust, they will never fully trust you again...

I Will NEVER trust you at all! 

I Hate what you did to me! 

I Don't even fully understand, 

I Cry, 

I Cry my life away because of what you did!!!

So have a HORRIBLE day!!!!

                        Much Hate, A Stranger (because I am not your daughter anymore, You aren't my daddy anymore!) 

Is it wrong for me not to even want to give him a second chance at being my dad? He is my biological dad, but I Don't want to consider him my dad, Is that Wrong???

                                        

 

Tuesday

I am always happyish on Tuesdays, Because I get to see my counselor, It's like getting to see my BEST Friend after waiting months, even though I see my Counselor every week... I Also Think I Might tell my counselor that I Cut... I asked her what she would do, and she said she wouldn't have to report it, and she wouldn't have to tell my parents, she would work with me to try to get me to... but she understands why people cut, and she would try to help the people that cut figure out why they cut... So I Think I am going to tell my counselor next week... Lets hope I Don't lose the nerve to tell her!!!

Today is my Birthday.

I Just got back to my house from camping with my sister and brother in law. I Had a good time... I Love camping... I Miss camping... but now I am back at my house... gonna eat blackberry pie tonight. Gonna try to be/stay happy... 

Feel

How do I Feel? I Feel Nothing... I Feel Numb... I Feel a slight bit of HORRIBLE, SCARED, and DEPRESSED though...  "Think happy thoughts and you will be Happy!" NO IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT!!! I CAN'T JUST NAP OUT OF IT AND BE HAPPY!!!!! Have a great night everybody!!!

WHY?!?!?!?!? :'C WHY?!? :'C WHY?!?!

(A Letter to The Excuse of a Father I use to have, no to The Devil, That is what he is!(not a Demon, the Devil!) 
     Why?!?! Why did you do those things? Why did you hurt me? Why did you want me to like what you did? Why did you M****t me? Why did You R**e me? Why did you Be*t me? Why did you neglect me? Why? Why did you do it? Why me? Why are you the way you are? Why couldn't you just keep your self under control? Why couldn't you just love my like a father is supposed to love his daughter? Why didn't you protect me, Why did you hurt me instead? Why did you want me to like what you did soo much? Why did you hate me? Why did you love the wrong way? Why?!?! WHY?!?!? WHY?!?!?! I WANT ANSWERS!!!!
     How could you hurt me like that? How could you hurt me, this innocent little kid? How can you live with yourself? How could you take my innocence away like that? How could you not see my pain? How could you punish me for politely begging you to stop? How could you punish me so harshly for crying in pain? How could you Punish me for asking you what you where doing? How could you Punish me for hiding from you? How could you punish me, when I Didn't do anything wrong? How could you R**e Me? How could you M****t Me? How could you B**t me? How could you Cuss at me? How could you call me all of those names, that I Didn't even understand? Ho Could you Neglect me? How could Hurt me like you did? How could you want me to like what you did? HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF?!?! How can you live everyday, and not think about all those things you did to me? I was soo young, You where so big, so scary, I was horrified of you? How could you do all those things to me?!?!?! ANSWER ME!!!!!!! ANSWER ME NOW! I WANT ANSWERS!!! PLEASE ANSWER ME!!!!!!!!
    You should have known better than to do those things! You Should have protected me NOT Hurt me! You, I'm talking to you, You where supposed to be my dad, Not the Devil! All I Wanted was for you to love me, like a parent is supposed to love their child! All I Wanted was the pain to stop! All I Wanted was to be able to play, and laugh and smile like a little kid. I Had to fake a smile and a laugh, Every single day of my life, since I Was Tiny! You should have been there for me! You Shouldn't have done the things you did! You Shouldn't have called me all of those names... I DIDN'T Even Know what they meant! You shouldn't have cussed at me! You should have let me bathe more... and BY MYSELF! You should have let me eat more food! You should have been a dad to me! You shouldn't have Hurt me! You Should have let me be just a kid, without a worry. You SHOULDN'T Have made me keep those secrets! You shouldn't have scared me to death with all of those threats of what you would do if I told! You should have let me be a kid! But NO You made me keep HUGE secrets, and because of you I Was CONSTANTLY worrying about things NO CHILD should worry about! And NO PERSON Should worry about! WHERE THERE OTHER LITTLE KIDS YOU HURT LIKE YOU HURT ME? HOW MANY? 
    What is your Excuse? I Want to her your excuse! What ever it is, IT WILL NOT BE A GOOD EXCUSE! THERE IS NO GOOD EXCUSE! I Just want to know what your reason is! I Hate you, But what I HATE even MORE Is what you did to me! My your own child! 
     Because of you, I Can't live a normal life! I Have so many things I Worry about! I RE-LIVE all the things you did to me in my head, I Can't Sleep, I Can't pay attention in class! I Struggle with my self image, I Struggle with my Self Confidence. It Is Hard for me to trust people. It Is REALLY Hard for me to trust men! I Can't let men get close to me! I Can't live a normal life, with little to no worries! I Can't just be me... You took SOOOOOO Many things from me! I can't just be me, You Wouldn't  Understand that though... and Soo Many things remind me of you... AND what you did. To Me, You are NOT my father... I Have no Father! You Don't exist! Because of you I Can't even feel safe!!

Wow

     Okay so today I saw my counselor again :) (My counselor is really understanding and nice) and we determined that on top of me having  PTSD, Depression, General Anxiety, Social Anxiety, and Test Anxiety,  and OCD, I have Secondary PTSD... I have a 2 friends that know what happened to me... and they told me things that happened too, and things that they do... (Cut, Purge, Don't eat, Etc.) 
     I Used to cut I still struggle with it, every now ant then I will Make a cut, but I'm doing a lot better, I'm also getting better at not purging what I eat... I at one point started just Not Eating at ALL. Before that I would have this internal war with myself... I would tell myself I WASN'T going to eat another snack... But then I'd give in, but then I'd get mad at myself for giving in... and now that I'm eating again, when I eat something I shouldn't I purge... But I've almost completely stopped that too... I still do every now and then, but not nearly as much...
     I Hate my dad, I Don't even consider him my dad... but I Know Have to face that the fact that he IS MY Biological dad, and I Can't EVER get rid of that... But All Those horrible things he did to me... He CAN'T Be my Real Dad right? How could a father hurt his daughter the way he did? How could a father possibly Make his daughter keep such A Huge secret?!?! I Hate Him, but mostly I Hate what He did... He may or may not go to jail... Whichever happens, It is going to happen soon, but weather he does or doesn't both are scary... I'M SCARED! There I admitted it,I'm Scared... Me I'm Scared... I want him to go to jail, so that he can't hurt other people, other innocent little children, other innocent little girls, barley old enough to talk, not even old enough to understand what he's doing, besides the fact that whatever it is, It doesn't feel right, It hurts... I HATE what he did to me, I don't care if he pays for what he did, all I care about is that he Can't and Won't be able to hurt other people the way he hurt me... I wonder what will happen IF he goes to jail... and I'm Scared of what will happen if He Doesn't.. I feel guilty for telling on him... I Broke one of his many rules... But I did the right thing... I Don't know why he did the things to me that he did... I Must have deserved it Right? Was I just an attractive little 3 year old? I Blame myself, Maby it wouldn't have hurt so much if I would have just stayed still, Not that I Could have moved... I Could barely even breathe... Maby if I had stopped begging him to stop he wouldn't have done it for so long... maby If I wasn't so scared it wouldn't have hurt either... I tried to get away once, But the door was locked... then I had to pay for trying to escape... I just wanted my daddy to love me. He just wanted to punish me, and he wanted me to LOVE What he did. He made me tell him that I Loved what he did... I just wanted to please him. I Just wanted the pain to stop. I Just wanted to go to my other home with my mommy there, where he wouldn't be so he couldn't do those things to me... My daddy showed me all of his guns one day, but he told me that I Couldn't ever look at them again. He said I wasn't allowed to. I DIDN'T Want to ever see those scary guns EVER again... but I didn't tell him that... He told me what he would do with those guns if I ever told. 

I DON'T have a dad in, my mind...

 My Niece asked me if I had a dad. I simply said no. she asked me if I ever had one I said yes. She asked me what he looked like I told her. She asked me if he was mean, I said yes... I could barely talk, and as soon as  asked me the first question I felt very shaken up... I almost cried, and I barely managed to stop myself from slipping into a flashback... 

...

I want to cry... I'm afraid to cry... I think I may silently cry myself to sleep again tonight... I can't sleep, EVER! I try to sleep but I can't. I lay there, and memories come flowing back. They are soo real. I'm there again. He's hurting me again. I want it  to stop! but I want to remember... I need a release. I Need to figure something out... Drawing, writing and poetry kind ow works... I NEED to find a release... I used to have a GREAT release... but I am trying to stop using that release, it has been 10 weeks, I think about using that release less as time goes on. I WANT to stop. But I don't want to stop... I still think about it but instead I use a red marker and draw where I would use my release if I REALLY have to. It DOESN'T work though... It doesn't work at all though! I NEED a release but nothing works as well as my other release. :'( :'( :'C:'C ... D': D': I NEED HELP! but I don't want to tell my counselor about the release I used to use, because she would have to tell my mom, and report it... but I Can't stop on my own... I want to be able to tell her, and have her not say anything to anyone. but that won't happen... I don't want my mom to know... I THINK I can stop on my own, but I'm not 100% sure... I kind of want help... I'm doing good it has been 10 weeks... I WILL get through this... I feel Numb. like I can't feel any feelings. but I feel hopless, and sad, and worried, and a little mad, with other emotions...

PLEASE DON'T JUDGE!!!!!

Please Don't Judge!
You know only my name not my story, 
You know nothing about me,
You don't know what I've been through,
You Don't know what I like to do for fun,
You don't know that I'm Smart,
You don't know that I battle depression,
You don't know that I love school,
You don't know Who I really am.
You don't know me!
You just  judge me because other people don't like me,
Other people don't like me for no reason, 
When you judge me, you are just showing how ugly you are on the inside,
How much you don't care that I'm suffering,
How much You don't think.
I Would NEVER judge you!
I would get to know you, for who you really are! 
so Why, Why must you Judge me?
You don't even know What I've been through, 
What I'm going through,
But You probably don't care,
And you probably don't care how much worse you are making my life.
I am here if you want to stop judging me, 
I will listen to what you have to say,
I WILL be there for you, 
I Will Be your friend. 
I won't care what other people say, or think about you.
because I want to know you for you, 
Not You for what other people think!
So Pleas don't judge me, I am A good friend!
I am a good person!
I am not what other people say about me.
I will not let them tear me down because they don't know me for me,
I will only pity them and pray that they will be able to stop judging people.
 Written by: I Am A Broken Child.

I feel HORRIBLE

So today, I was a tiny bit happy, then... BAM it hit me, all the sudden, no warning, I felt REALLY, REALLY, REALLY sad, with a lot of other other emotions, I don't know what happened, it was just all of the sudden. I want to have a disease called 'happiness' but IF I actually do get happy for once, which isn't very often, then all of the sudden I just get hit by A TON of other emotions, and it's like I almost don't want to let myself be happy, when I actually can, because afterwards, I feel even worse... Why can't I be happy, and stay happy!?!?! I wonder if this happens to anyone else... My Flashbacks are so real, it's like I'm at his house again, and he's hurting me again... I can feel the pain, all I see is me being in his room on his bed, him on top of me... I can smell his sweat... I'm so terrified... and then it's like I leave my body... I go numb, I can't feel anything anymore, I'm safe I'm flying like a bird in the sky... and I can see through the roof, what he's doing to that poor little girl... then I'm falling, and I can't stop, and I'm back in my body, but still numb... then I feel A LOT of pain, and then my memory goes black... 

Today 7-25-12

So today, my mom and I went over to her friends house to watch her baby quail eggs, and baby quail, and chickens while they where gone. They told me not to get too attached to the baby quail, and to not name them. well that didn't work, I Got attached to the quail, and named the two littlest ones, the littlest one is Anna, and the Second littlest one is Stephanie! My mom got kinda mad that I named them, but she wasn't too mad... and as soon as we got back home, my grandma tells me all of the things that she didn't do while we where gone, that she would like me to do... water the plant, do the dishes etc.... and she asked me what we (my mom and I) had for dinner, and then as I am on the computer typing, she starts trying to talk to me about nothing, its like I want to say "grandma will you please shut up! I'm trying to type, and can't you get of your lazy but while I'm gone and do things for yourself?!?!" but I would never say that, I'm not rude... I Never cuss, but I don't care if other people do... I only judge myself, and I need to stop judging myself! (according to my counselor I need to stop judging myself)... But  no worries, I Don't judge other people, they are only human, and if they make mistakes than that's fine! :) I was somewhat truly happy today... it kind of felt good! :) I'm NEVER happy, I have depression, and I'm always REALLY sad, etc. so it was a nice temporary change... It didn't last though... now I'm back home, and I feel like curling up into a little ball with my teddy bear and crying... but my mom would most likely see me and then she would want to know why I'm crying, and truthfully, I have A LOT of reasons to cry, but I really don't exactly know why I want to cry... but at the same time I am AFRAID to cry... When I was little and my dad would do things to me, and any other time while I was at his house, he would get really mad when I cried, and he would beat me until I would stop crying... I was soo TERRIFIED of him... It was really hard to stop crying while he was inflicting pain on me, and calling me things... okay well I can't type anymore, because if I do I WILL Cry and I'm going into a flashback...

My Writing assignment from my Counselor: ( I have to complete the sentences, and she said, I could write about one, or all)

• One thing I like about myself is:
• One thing others like about me is:
• One thing I do very well is:
• A Recent problem I have handled very well is:
• When I'm at my best I:
• I'm glad that I:
• Those who know me are glad that I:
• A Compliment that has been paid to me recently is:
• A Value that I try hard to practice is:
• An Example of my caring about others is:
• People can count on me to:
• hey say I did a good job when I:
• Something I'm handling better this year than last is:
• One thing I've overcome is:
• A good example of my ability to manage life is:
• I'm best with people when:
• One goal I'm presently working towards is:
• A recent temptation that I managed to overcome is:
• I pleasantly surprise myself when I:
• I think that I have the guts to:
• If I had to say one good thing about myself I'd say that I:
• One way I successfully control my emotion is:
• One way in which i'm very dependable is:
• One important thing I intend to do within two months is:

I Feel Really bad for my counselor though... Yesterday she just sat there, and listened to me babble on about nothing in particular... Although I do have to say she looked like she was comfortable :) Which is good, If she happens to read this, (I'm sure she won't) but you never know... I'm sorry for babbling on about nothing yesterday...

My Story Part 2 :

Sometimes I would ask him, what he was doing, or what a word meant, or even if we could go to the park... and he would get soo mad... He would stop whatever he was doing, and he would Yell at me... and get his belt, and spank me, and he even sometimes slammed me into the wall... I remember a few times when he pushed me onto the floor, and he would step on me... He was careful to only leave bruises that would heal before I went back home (to our moms), but he made sure it hurt... I was so terrified of my Excuse of a father! He told me if I told anyone he would hurt my mom and my grandma, and my brother, and my sisters, while making me watch, and then he would hurt me. (just to let you peoples know, this is a generalized description, of some of the things I went through, not a specific memory...) I wonder so many things... How could someone, especially a parent hurt his child? How could someone live with them selves after doing something like that... especially to a little helpless child? How could he hurt me? Why Did he hurt me? How could my mom not notice? How could no one notice all the pain I was hiding? (I was Very good and am still very good at pretending I'm okay, and happy.) How could you make a child promise not to tell such a big thing? Why did he want me to like what he did? Did it hurt him (psychically) too? (I mean I guess it probably didn't because that's what men are made for doing...no offence. If I offended anyone by that, I am REALLY Sorry) How many other people and children has he done this to? Did he do it to my mom? Did he do it to my sisters? Did he do it to my brother? am I the only one? Why me? What did I do? How could he love me, but hate me at the same time? am I ever gonna get over this? AM I gonna be able to EVER Move on with life? am I ever gonna be able to have a boyfriend? Am I ever gonna be able to have a boyfriend and do it, without Flashing back? AM I gonna ever be able to sleep without these night mares? I am I ever gonna be able just to crawl in bed and fall asleep? am I ever gonna be able to have children? Am I ever going to stop having flashbacks? am I ever going to not feel so Darn Depressed? am I ever gonna Be able to be able to get close to men? am I ever gonna be able to trust easily again? am I ever gonna be able to trust again? am I ever gonna be able to trust men again? ( I have about four men teachers, that I trust... kind of, it took all school year though!) am I ever going to be able to talk about what happened without flashing back, or getting scared... Am I ever going to be able to ask a question again, without worrying that something bad is going to happen? Will the questions I have ever stop coming?  ... I have Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, OCD, and I am paranoid something bad is going to happen to me... I have a Counselor, She is really nice, and understand, and I trust her A LOT. but it is still really hard to talk about what happened to me... I am doing a little better since I started talking to her though... I still Have Flashbacks daily, and on and on and on... 

My story Part 1:

     (I am 14 years old. I am Female.) All I want is to feel 'Normal'... But I don't even know what Normal is... All I want is to forget. I want to forget what My daddy did to me, But I want to remember... My daddy Raped Me. My daddy Molested me. My daddy Beat me. My Daddy Neglected me. and Here is my Story:


     When I was six months old, my Mom divorced my dad. I Lived with my mom. But about every four to six weeks, I had to have Visits with him, for about four weeks at a time.He locked me in my room. He only fed me once to twice a day, every day-two days. He Fed me a Tiny bowl of cereal, with water in it, because he wasn't going to waste money on milk. If I did something he didn't like, silly little things like if I stood still for too long, or if I ate too slow, or wasn't walking fast enough, or I was walking too fast, If I cried, If I begged him to stop ect. He would beat me. He was constantly telling me how stupid,fat,ugly,worthless I was. He constantly called ma a Bit*h and a C*nt, he even called me his little Wh**e sometimes... He was constantly Cussing. and If I talked, anytime other than he asked me a question, he would cuss at me, call me names, tell me to shut the Fu*k up, or Shut the he*l up. and He would yet again beat me... He would beat me if I answered wrong... he Only let me shower the first day I was there. Unless I got bloody. and he would use no tears shampoo, so that I wouldn't cry... He would get me in the shower, and then he would get in too. and he would wash all the germs from my mommy off. he had to do it though, because I couldn't do it right, and he would pay special attention to my private parts. then He would make me wash him, and I had to pay special attention to his private parts... he would then tell me to suck on his thing. I did what I was told... It was gross. I felt like I was gonna Puke. I felt like I couldn't breathe, like I was choking. and then, we would get out of the shower. and he would dry me off, again paying special attention to my private areas, and He made my dry off his private areas, and he did the rest of his body. Then he would lay a towel down, and he would make me lay on it, he would lay on me. I felt like I couldn't breathe. and he would shove his thing where it didn't belong. Sometimes I would beg him to stop, and he would get REALLY mad. I was TERRIFIED of him, and that look in his eye. he would then tell, me that I DID like it! and he would make me say it. and then he would, get his belt, and he would spank my bare bottom. He would do that until it was beat RED. and then he would make me lay back down, and he would Shove his thing where it didn't belong... It Hurt Soooo Much! but I wasn't allowed to cry. and then I remember there being a little blood sometimes. He would just, use a baby wipe, and wipe me clean. and then he would lock me in my room. Throughout my visit, I never knew when it was coming... He would unlock the door, and he would either beat me, or he would grab me, and take me into his room, and he would undress me, and make me undress him. then he would touch me... and then he would, either make me lay on the floor, or his bed, and he would insert his thing Yet again where it DID't belong... either my front private, or sometimes my bottom. I Begged him to stop, and eventually stopped begging, because he would get sooo mad. I eventually just felt numb.and Distant. He Scared me Soo Much, I never knew when it was coming, or exactly what he was going to do.