Sorry

Sorry, I know it has been a long time since I've updated my blog. Well I'm straight... Umm I seriously want to adopt a new mom. I got an iPod! And I feel like absolute crap... I mean I'm one of happy but i still feel soooooo depressed and lost and lonely.

My Grandma's in the ICU

     I got to watch my Grandma be loaded up into an Ambulance, and be taken away on Saturday (My Mom's birthday), Shes in the ICU right now, they discovered she has A-Fib, to go with her hypertension, Diabetes,  and Diverticulitis... they mostly have the A-Fib under control now, but shes not doing anything, but laying in her hospital bed. She is Super constipated, its hard as cement and her intestines are full from top to bottom, she may have to have surgery... 
     what if something happens and she dies?? Last Christmas, she was giving all her jewelry away, and she told me that if anything happened to her, that I was in charge of giving people her stuff... now I wonder... Did she know that something was going to happen, did she have a feeling? I just hope that she'll be ok <3 
     I use to wish that she would just die already, and now I take it back, All those times that I wished she'd die... I DON'T want her to die!! <3
     I hope everyone had a good thanksgiving!! :)

I'm doing better...

first of all, it's been awhile since I've written anything, I just haven't been up to it... My counselor decided it was time to take a "therapeutic break" until after Christmas... and I've also been trying to not bug Mrs.C too much.. My mom and I have been fighting off and on... My Grandma is sick... One of my friends is ignoring me. One of my friends is moving. My anxiety has been bad... I have been failing all of my tests in all of my classes... but Wendsday was awesome! I went to the movies with some other people from school (as a reward trip for being one of the people that sold the most cookie dough for our school) and Thursday we took a Party But to DQ, the one all the way across town, everyone got a soda, a mini blizzard, french fries and a hamburger, but I don't eat red meat so I had grilled cheese instead... and yes I did actually eat... but haha, I had to be first in line since I was getting grilled cheese instead, and My Social anxiety Kicked in immediately  I forgot what I was supposed to do, and say... I forgot to get my cup off the counter, and then Mr.B reminded me to get my cup, so I did, and then I just stood there, and then I finally tapped Mr.B on the back because I forgot what I was supposed to do... so then he told me what to do... haha it was pretty funny... but I had lots of fun! on the way from school to DQ nobody wanted to dance on the party bus, okay we all did, but where too afraid...but on the way back we all started dancing like complete idiots, it was SOO fun!! <3 haha when we first got on the party bus the first song that came on was Gives you hell- by The All American Rejects, and that is stuck in  my head!! and I've had another song stuck in my head for a cope of days... its The A team- by Ed Shreen... Friday was pretty awesome too, I watched my niece we had soo much fun!! <3 haha and My sister officially told me she's pregnant... I've known for a while.... but now I can Officially obsess over baby stuff!! haha my mom and I went to the store today and where looking at baby stuff! :) 

So I've had my good days, and my bad days... but in the end, Its just the good days that count!! <3 

Well....

okay so I made a promise to myself... I did some research and I thought I had depression, so I talked to my counselor, and she officially diagnosed me with Depression... I promised myself that if I thought about committing suicide again, I would tell someone. So today I started thinking about it again... and I know that I won't actually commit suicide, just to be on the safe side, I kept my promise to myself and I told... <3 I tild my school counselor, and she is gonna talk to me tomorrow...   

Rachel's Challange

Today at school we had an assembly, it was so powerful and moving, I went to the one for parents at the High school earlier tonight too... I accept Rachel's challenge  <3 you can see what it is all about here: www.rachelschallange.org

another website I like is: www.facingus.com...
I keep a diary on there, and can track my mood. :)

I'm doing okay right now... 

I made a promise to myself, and I intent to keep it <3 

:( Its Almost His Birthday...

the 6th is the devils birthday... :(  I feel like i'm getting sick to my stomach just thinking about it.... the 6ht is tomorrow... My first day of health went ok... I can't concentrate in any of my classes though :(

But on the other side, looking back, I've come a long ways in a year... and I didn't realize that until now... I hope that next year I will have gone even farther... because I will live to see next year <3 I will not kill myself, I'm finally not having Suicidal thoughts again for the moment... which is good <3

Oh No....

Tomorrow we have health... this year we talk about the reproductive system, and Sex. and we have to put a condom on a banana... :'( I hope I get a good grade, it's gonna be so hard to pay attention... 


on the other hand Its October...I think the 7th is the Devils birthday...


It's been almost a year since I first told... 

I realize now that it wasn't my fault, what he did... but I still think it was..