...

I want to cry... I'm afraid to cry... I think I may silently cry myself to sleep again tonight... I can't sleep, EVER! I try to sleep but I can't. I lay there, and memories come flowing back. They are soo real. I'm there again. He's hurting me again. I want it  to stop! but I want to remember... I need a release. I Need to figure something out... Drawing, writing and poetry kind ow works... I NEED to find a release... I used to have a GREAT release... but I am trying to stop using that release, it has been 10 weeks, I think about using that release less as time goes on. I WANT to stop. But I don't want to stop... I still think about it but instead I use a red marker and draw where I would use my release if I REALLY have to. It DOESN'T work though... It doesn't work at all though! I NEED a release but nothing works as well as my other release. :'( :'( :'C:'C ... D': D': I NEED HELP! but I don't want to tell my counselor about the release I used to use, because she would have to tell my mom, and report it... but I Can't stop on my own... I want to be able to tell her, and have her not say anything to anyone. but that won't happen... I don't want my mom to know... I THINK I can stop on my own, but I'm not 100% sure... I kind of want help... I'm doing good it has been 10 weeks... I WILL get through this... I feel Numb. like I can't feel any feelings. but I feel hopless, and sad, and worried, and a little mad, with other emotions...