I feel HORRIBLE

So today, I was a tiny bit happy, then... BAM it hit me, all the sudden, no warning, I felt REALLY, REALLY, REALLY sad, with a lot of other other emotions, I don't know what happened, it was just all of the sudden. I want to have a disease called 'happiness' but IF I actually do get happy for once, which isn't very often, then all of the sudden I just get hit by A TON of other emotions, and it's like I almost don't want to let myself be happy, when I actually can, because afterwards, I feel even worse... Why can't I be happy, and stay happy!?!?! I wonder if this happens to anyone else... My Flashbacks are so real, it's like I'm at his house again, and he's hurting me again... I can feel the pain, all I see is me being in his room on his bed, him on top of me... I can smell his sweat... I'm so terrified... and then it's like I leave my body... I go numb, I can't feel anything anymore, I'm safe I'm flying like a bird in the sky... and I can see through the roof, what he's doing to that poor little girl... then I'm falling, and I can't stop, and I'm back in my body, but still numb... then I feel A LOT of pain, and then my memory goes black...