Wow

     Okay so today I saw my counselor again :) (My counselor is really understanding and nice) and we determined that on top of me having  PTSD, Depression, General Anxiety, Social Anxiety, and Test Anxiety,  and OCD, I have Secondary PTSD... I have a 2 friends that know what happened to me... and they told me things that happened too, and things that they do... (Cut, Purge, Don't eat, Etc.) 
     I Used to cut I still struggle with it, every now ant then I will Make a cut, but I'm doing a lot better, I'm also getting better at not purging what I eat... I at one point started just Not Eating at ALL. Before that I would have this internal war with myself... I would tell myself I WASN'T going to eat another snack... But then I'd give in, but then I'd get mad at myself for giving in... and now that I'm eating again, when I eat something I shouldn't I purge... But I've almost completely stopped that too... I still do every now and then, but not nearly as much...
     I Hate my dad, I Don't even consider him my dad... but I Know Have to face that the fact that he IS MY Biological dad, and I Can't EVER get rid of that... But All Those horrible things he did to me... He CAN'T Be my Real Dad right? How could a father hurt his daughter the way he did? How could a father possibly Make his daughter keep such A Huge secret?!?! I Hate Him, but mostly I Hate what He did... He may or may not go to jail... Whichever happens, It is going to happen soon, but weather he does or doesn't both are scary... I'M SCARED! There I admitted it,I'm Scared... Me I'm Scared... I want him to go to jail, so that he can't hurt other people, other innocent little children, other innocent little girls, barley old enough to talk, not even old enough to understand what he's doing, besides the fact that whatever it is, It doesn't feel right, It hurts... I HATE what he did to me, I don't care if he pays for what he did, all I care about is that he Can't and Won't be able to hurt other people the way he hurt me... I wonder what will happen IF he goes to jail... and I'm Scared of what will happen if He Doesn't.. I feel guilty for telling on him... I Broke one of his many rules... But I did the right thing... I Don't know why he did the things to me that he did... I Must have deserved it Right? Was I just an attractive little 3 year old? I Blame myself, Maby it wouldn't have hurt so much if I would have just stayed still, Not that I Could have moved... I Could barely even breathe... Maby if I had stopped begging him to stop he wouldn't have done it for so long... maby If I wasn't so scared it wouldn't have hurt either... I tried to get away once, But the door was locked... then I had to pay for trying to escape... I just wanted my daddy to love me. He just wanted to punish me, and he wanted me to LOVE What he did. He made me tell him that I Loved what he did... I just wanted to please him. I Just wanted the pain to stop. I Just wanted to go to my other home with my mommy there, where he wouldn't be so he couldn't do those things to me... My daddy showed me all of his guns one day, but he told me that I Couldn't ever look at them again. He said I wasn't allowed to. I DIDN'T Want to ever see those scary guns EVER again... but I didn't tell him that... He told me what he would do with those guns if I ever told.