Coffee!! And my best friend in the whole world/sister!!

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At my BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD/Sister's house!! We are drinking Coffee!! we both LOVE coffee!! :) We Just got back to her house from saving little kittens... and now we are getting ready to sneak out and we are going to sit on her porch and just talk, it is really dark out! It will be so much fun, and so calming, but we will get cold!! :( haha whatever, it is hot and stuffy in the house!! We technically got permission to sneak out, because my counselor told me to exercise my inner rebel... we are going to pull an all nighter!! it is going to be so fun... we are at the point right now we are tired, but don't feel tired so everything funny!! Haha lol :)

Maby...

Maby today I can achieve happiness! I'm going to my friend't house... So maby, just maby :) I haven't really been all that happy for awhile... 

Told My Counselor...

I told my counselor that I use to not eat much, and when I did that I puked up what I ate... I'm getting closer to not keeping as many secrets... I told her that I am good now though... but, that is kind of a lie... I HATE lying... but I'm still struggling a little bit... I'm considering telling her that I have a blog... But I think that If I do that she might want to check it out.. and I really don't want her to, I mean I kind of do, but I kind of don't... I want to but I don't... For me Blogspot is a place that I can spill out everything I'm feeling, and Everything I've been through... Everything and not worry, not worry what friends or family will think... not worry, just spill out everything and know it's safe... It's anonymous... IDK I'll think about it... but in the mean time... I Need to work on my deep/ belly breathing!! and I think that if my counselor ran across this blog... she would probably Think it was mine... but IDK... 

Confused

I'm so confused!!! :'( My dad screwed up! And that ruined my life... Everytime he hurt me, it took away a piece of my soul, a piece of me, a piece of my heart... and I'll never get those pieces back. But I'm confused!! He love me, but in the wrong way, yet he hated me! Which was it? Was it both?? It that possible?? all I wanted was for him to love me, like a father is supposed love his daughter! all I wanted was to be happy, to not worry, to just be me! But no... that wasn't possible.... I'm confused!! I'm confused about soo many things!!! :'( but one thing I know it: that all those pieces of my soul, me, my heart that where taken away from me, and I can't get them back... but I can get new pieces and put them there, or I can just start over, bring some of the old pieces and get all new pieces... 

Fat

I feel soo fat!! I weigh 164 pounds!!! 164! I'm about 5feet 4inches tall, and I need to lose weight!!! I Have to lose weight, I want to be 110-120 pounds... preferably 110, but what I would love is 100 pounds... maby less would be nice too... But I'm way too fat, and I can't seem to lose the weight!! I'm soo fat, and ugly GRRR! :'C I NEED TO,  I HAVE TO Lose weight!!! I can't stand being fat!!! School is going to start in a week, what are my friends going to think? I gained like 10 pounds over summer!! what are my teachers going to think?? Are they not going to like me because I'm fat? GRR :'C I Need to lose 44-64 pounds!!! 


My non existent dad was right!! I'm fat and I'm Ugly!!! :'(
Why does he have to be right??? :(

I need to prove him wrong, I need to lose weight!!!

Music

I Love Demi Lovato's songs!!! And Kelly Clarkson's!!! Demi Lovato is such a good singer, her songs have soo much meaning... Demi is my idol! 
I Love music, Music has the power to change anyone's emotions in the blink of an eye, the snap of a finger, and a tearfall from the eye. Music speaks the words we can't speak. Music says the words we are afraid to say, Music talks when we don't trust ourselves to speak. Music understands us!
I love music, I love most types of music and artists... Demi Lovato, Kelly Clarkson, All time low, Nickleback, Adele, Pink, Selena Gomez, Christina Perri, Katy Perry, Skylar Grey, Martina McBride, You name the person/band, and I probably like them!! Those are just a few...

I feel like I'm going to Cry...

I'm so confused!!! I Feel like I'm going to cry, and I almost have tears in my eyes, and I'm really sad, and I just don't even know how to explain what I'm feeling... but I can't cry, litrely I'm so close and decided to just let myself cry, but no tears are coming, even though they are right there... I don't understand...

Numb

I Have felt Numb for the past week... Just Numb... Nothing, NOTHING at ALL! and finally today when I was talking to my counselor, afterwards, I felt a little bit of happiness, just a tiny bit, but it was nice to feel SOMETHING, even though it is also nice not to feel anything... Well now I'm kind of slipping back into feeling Numb, and I Can't think of why, there is like absolutely no Reason!

I Told My Counselor! :/ :)

Okay, I Got it over with I told my Counselor that I Cut, and am trying to stop... She didn't even look shocked, she said that It didn't surprise her, and that I was doing better than a lot of people... I'm pretty sure that she was a little surprised though... I asked her if she thought that I did, and she said that I'd done REALLY good at hiding it, she didn't suspect a thing... I Thought that she did. I'm glad I Told her.  I Feel a little relieved... She of course asked me some questions, so that she can help me... But She she didn't ask questions like my mom would have... My Counselor has helped a lot people that cut. If I would have told my mom my mom would want to do Anything and Everything she could do to help me. She would ask me questions so that she could understand... But at least my counselor Understands, and the questions that she asked where so that she can help me, and I was expecting her to ask me some questions... One of my VERY FEW Friends told that I was VERY brave for telling, and she was proud of me...  I feel a little relieved for telling... A Little part of me thinks I Shouldn't have... BUT There is no reason that I Shouldn't have... my Counselor can and will help me. She Won't Judge me... (at least not to my face, but I don't think she's the type of person who would Judge someone else)... She asked me if I was Suicidal, I Told her No, That I was two years ago, but I'm not now... I am kind of proud of myself for telling her... One of the things she asked me was, Why do I Think I should stop. and I Don't really know, I Mean I Know its Dangerous and it's bad, I Don't know how it's bad though... I Want to stop because I Know that if anyone in my family found out they would freak out and probably be disappointed... but I Really don't know why I feel like I need to stop, I just do...

I Cry

I Cry,

I Cry and wonder why,

Why you hurt me, 

You HURT ME!!!

I Wonder why you hated me,

Why you loved me the wrong way...

Was It something I did?

Did I do something?

I Don't understand!

I Don't! I Don't understand!

I Cry and wonder how,

How could you hurt me? How could hate me?

How could you love me the wrong way? How could you harm me? 

Sweet, kind, caring, trustworthy, innocent little me!

I Cry and think did I Do something?

I Think How could you?

I Want to know, What did I do? 

Why didn't you love me,

Love me like a father is SUPPOSED to love his daughter!

Why Did you hate me?

Why did you hurt me? 

What did I do?

How could you hurt me? 

Your own daughter!

I didn't understand, I just wanted to know what was happening! I Just wanted to know why! I Didn't mean to cry!

But now I Cry, 

I Cry BECAUSE I CAN!!!

I am proving you wrong, I am becoming successful in life!!!

I Get good grades!

I am not any of the things you told me I Was! 

I'm not your daughter anymore,

You aren't my daddy anymore,

You had your chance,

You failed, 

You screwed up so bad that you don't deserve a second chance!

Because If I gave you a second chance, you would screw that up too...

You aren't my dad. I Have no dad.

You can apologize all you want, Even though I DOUBT that you will... But IF you do, I Will NEVER forgive you!

I can accept what you did, But I Won't forgive you!

It takes a while to trust someone... and once you break their trust, they will never fully trust you again...

I Will NEVER trust you at all! 

I Hate what you did to me! 

I Don't even fully understand, 

I Cry, 

I Cry my life away because of what you did!!!

So have a HORRIBLE day!!!!

                        Much Hate, A Stranger (because I am not your daughter anymore, You aren't my daddy anymore!) 

Is it wrong for me not to even want to give him a second chance at being my dad? He is my biological dad, but I Don't want to consider him my dad, Is that Wrong???

                                        

 

Tuesday

I am always happyish on Tuesdays, Because I get to see my counselor, It's like getting to see my BEST Friend after waiting months, even though I see my Counselor every week... I Also Think I Might tell my counselor that I Cut... I asked her what she would do, and she said she wouldn't have to report it, and she wouldn't have to tell my parents, she would work with me to try to get me to... but she understands why people cut, and she would try to help the people that cut figure out why they cut... So I Think I am going to tell my counselor next week... Lets hope I Don't lose the nerve to tell her!!!

Today is my Birthday.

I Just got back to my house from camping with my sister and brother in law. I Had a good time... I Love camping... I Miss camping... but now I am back at my house... gonna eat blackberry pie tonight. Gonna try to be/stay happy... 

Feel

How do I Feel? I Feel Nothing... I Feel Numb... I Feel a slight bit of HORRIBLE, SCARED, and DEPRESSED though...  "Think happy thoughts and you will be Happy!" NO IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT!!! I CAN'T JUST NAP OUT OF IT AND BE HAPPY!!!!! Have a great night everybody!!!

WHY?!?!?!?!? :'C WHY?!? :'C WHY?!?!

(A Letter to The Excuse of a Father I use to have, no to The Devil, That is what he is!(not a Demon, the Devil!) 
     Why?!?! Why did you do those things? Why did you hurt me? Why did you want me to like what you did? Why did you M****t me? Why did You R**e me? Why did you Be*t me? Why did you neglect me? Why? Why did you do it? Why me? Why are you the way you are? Why couldn't you just keep your self under control? Why couldn't you just love my like a father is supposed to love his daughter? Why didn't you protect me, Why did you hurt me instead? Why did you want me to like what you did soo much? Why did you hate me? Why did you love the wrong way? Why?!?! WHY?!?!? WHY?!?!?! I WANT ANSWERS!!!!
     How could you hurt me like that? How could you hurt me, this innocent little kid? How can you live with yourself? How could you take my innocence away like that? How could you not see my pain? How could you punish me for politely begging you to stop? How could you punish me so harshly for crying in pain? How could you Punish me for asking you what you where doing? How could you Punish me for hiding from you? How could you punish me, when I Didn't do anything wrong? How could you R**e Me? How could you M****t Me? How could you B**t me? How could you Cuss at me? How could you call me all of those names, that I Didn't even understand? Ho Could you Neglect me? How could Hurt me like you did? How could you want me to like what you did? HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF?!?! How can you live everyday, and not think about all those things you did to me? I was soo young, You where so big, so scary, I was horrified of you? How could you do all those things to me?!?!?! ANSWER ME!!!!!!! ANSWER ME NOW! I WANT ANSWERS!!! PLEASE ANSWER ME!!!!!!!!
    You should have known better than to do those things! You Should have protected me NOT Hurt me! You, I'm talking to you, You where supposed to be my dad, Not the Devil! All I Wanted was for you to love me, like a parent is supposed to love their child! All I Wanted was the pain to stop! All I Wanted was to be able to play, and laugh and smile like a little kid. I Had to fake a smile and a laugh, Every single day of my life, since I Was Tiny! You should have been there for me! You Shouldn't have done the things you did! You Shouldn't have called me all of those names... I DIDN'T Even Know what they meant! You shouldn't have cussed at me! You should have let me bathe more... and BY MYSELF! You should have let me eat more food! You should have been a dad to me! You shouldn't have Hurt me! You Should have let me be just a kid, without a worry. You SHOULDN'T Have made me keep those secrets! You shouldn't have scared me to death with all of those threats of what you would do if I told! You should have let me be a kid! But NO You made me keep HUGE secrets, and because of you I Was CONSTANTLY worrying about things NO CHILD should worry about! And NO PERSON Should worry about! WHERE THERE OTHER LITTLE KIDS YOU HURT LIKE YOU HURT ME? HOW MANY? 
    What is your Excuse? I Want to her your excuse! What ever it is, IT WILL NOT BE A GOOD EXCUSE! THERE IS NO GOOD EXCUSE! I Just want to know what your reason is! I Hate you, But what I HATE even MORE Is what you did to me! My your own child! 
     Because of you, I Can't live a normal life! I Have so many things I Worry about! I RE-LIVE all the things you did to me in my head, I Can't Sleep, I Can't pay attention in class! I Struggle with my self image, I Struggle with my Self Confidence. It Is Hard for me to trust people. It Is REALLY Hard for me to trust men! I Can't let men get close to me! I Can't live a normal life, with little to no worries! I Can't just be me... You took SOOOOOO Many things from me! I can't just be me, You Wouldn't  Understand that though... and Soo Many things remind me of you... AND what you did. To Me, You are NOT my father... I Have no Father! You Don't exist! Because of you I Can't even feel safe!!

Wow

     Okay so today I saw my counselor again :) (My counselor is really understanding and nice) and we determined that on top of me having  PTSD, Depression, General Anxiety, Social Anxiety, and Test Anxiety,  and OCD, I have Secondary PTSD... I have a 2 friends that know what happened to me... and they told me things that happened too, and things that they do... (Cut, Purge, Don't eat, Etc.) 
     I Used to cut I still struggle with it, every now ant then I will Make a cut, but I'm doing a lot better, I'm also getting better at not purging what I eat... I at one point started just Not Eating at ALL. Before that I would have this internal war with myself... I would tell myself I WASN'T going to eat another snack... But then I'd give in, but then I'd get mad at myself for giving in... and now that I'm eating again, when I eat something I shouldn't I purge... But I've almost completely stopped that too... I still do every now and then, but not nearly as much...
     I Hate my dad, I Don't even consider him my dad... but I Know Have to face that the fact that he IS MY Biological dad, and I Can't EVER get rid of that... But All Those horrible things he did to me... He CAN'T Be my Real Dad right? How could a father hurt his daughter the way he did? How could a father possibly Make his daughter keep such A Huge secret?!?! I Hate Him, but mostly I Hate what He did... He may or may not go to jail... Whichever happens, It is going to happen soon, but weather he does or doesn't both are scary... I'M SCARED! There I admitted it,I'm Scared... Me I'm Scared... I want him to go to jail, so that he can't hurt other people, other innocent little children, other innocent little girls, barley old enough to talk, not even old enough to understand what he's doing, besides the fact that whatever it is, It doesn't feel right, It hurts... I HATE what he did to me, I don't care if he pays for what he did, all I care about is that he Can't and Won't be able to hurt other people the way he hurt me... I wonder what will happen IF he goes to jail... and I'm Scared of what will happen if He Doesn't.. I feel guilty for telling on him... I Broke one of his many rules... But I did the right thing... I Don't know why he did the things to me that he did... I Must have deserved it Right? Was I just an attractive little 3 year old? I Blame myself, Maby it wouldn't have hurt so much if I would have just stayed still, Not that I Could have moved... I Could barely even breathe... Maby if I had stopped begging him to stop he wouldn't have done it for so long... maby If I wasn't so scared it wouldn't have hurt either... I tried to get away once, But the door was locked... then I had to pay for trying to escape... I just wanted my daddy to love me. He just wanted to punish me, and he wanted me to LOVE What he did. He made me tell him that I Loved what he did... I just wanted to please him. I Just wanted the pain to stop. I Just wanted to go to my other home with my mommy there, where he wouldn't be so he couldn't do those things to me... My daddy showed me all of his guns one day, but he told me that I Couldn't ever look at them again. He said I wasn't allowed to. I DIDN'T Want to ever see those scary guns EVER again... but I didn't tell him that... He told me what he would do with those guns if I ever told. 

I DON'T have a dad in, my mind...

 My Niece asked me if I had a dad. I simply said no. she asked me if I ever had one I said yes. She asked me what he looked like I told her. She asked me if he was mean, I said yes... I could barely talk, and as soon as  asked me the first question I felt very shaken up... I almost cried, and I barely managed to stop myself from slipping into a flashback...