My Story Part 2 :

Sometimes I would ask him, what he was doing, or what a word meant, or even if we could go to the park... and he would get soo mad... He would stop whatever he was doing, and he would Yell at me... and get his belt, and spank me, and he even sometimes slammed me into the wall... I remember a few times when he pushed me onto the floor, and he would step on me... He was careful to only leave bruises that would heal before I went back home (to our moms), but he made sure it hurt... I was so terrified of my Excuse of a father! He told me if I told anyone he would hurt my mom and my grandma, and my brother, and my sisters, while making me watch, and then he would hurt me. (just to let you peoples know, this is a generalized description, of some of the things I went through, not a specific memory...) I wonder so many things... How could someone, especially a parent hurt his child? How could someone live with them selves after doing something like that... especially to a little helpless child? How could he hurt me? Why Did he hurt me? How could my mom not notice? How could no one notice all the pain I was hiding? (I was Very good and am still very good at pretending I'm okay, and happy.) How could you make a child promise not to tell such a big thing? Why did he want me to like what he did? Did it hurt him (psychically) too? (I mean I guess it probably didn't because that's what men are made for doing...no offence. If I offended anyone by that, I am REALLY Sorry) How many other people and children has he done this to? Did he do it to my mom? Did he do it to my sisters? Did he do it to my brother? am I the only one? Why me? What did I do? How could he love me, but hate me at the same time? am I ever gonna get over this? AM I gonna be able to EVER Move on with life? am I ever gonna be able to have a boyfriend? Am I ever gonna be able to have a boyfriend and do it, without Flashing back? AM I gonna ever be able to sleep without these night mares? I am I ever gonna be able just to crawl in bed and fall asleep? am I ever gonna be able to have children? Am I ever going to stop having flashbacks? am I ever going to not feel so Darn Depressed? am I ever gonna Be able to be able to get close to men? am I ever gonna be able to trust easily again? am I ever gonna be able to trust again? am I ever gonna be able to trust men again? ( I have about four men teachers, that I trust... kind of, it took all school year though!) am I ever going to be able to talk about what happened without flashing back, or getting scared... Am I ever going to be able to ask a question again, without worrying that something bad is going to happen? Will the questions I have ever stop coming?  ... I have Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, OCD, and I am paranoid something bad is going to happen to me... I have a Counselor, She is really nice, and understand, and I trust her A LOT. but it is still really hard to talk about what happened to me... I am doing a little better since I started talking to her though... I still Have Flashbacks daily, and on and on and on...