...

I want to cry... I'm afraid to cry... I think I may silently cry myself to sleep again tonight... I can't sleep, EVER! I try to sleep but I can't. I lay there, and memories come flowing back. They are soo real. I'm there again. He's hurting me again. I want it  to stop! but I want to remember... I need a release. I Need to figure something out... Drawing, writing and poetry kind ow works... I NEED to find a release... I used to have a GREAT release... but I am trying to stop using that release, it has been 10 weeks, I think about using that release less as time goes on. I WANT to stop. But I don't want to stop... I still think about it but instead I use a red marker and draw where I would use my release if I REALLY have to. It DOESN'T work though... It doesn't work at all though! I NEED a release but nothing works as well as my other release. :'( :'( :'C:'C ... D': D': I NEED HELP! but I don't want to tell my counselor about the release I used to use, because she would have to tell my mom, and report it... but I Can't stop on my own... I want to be able to tell her, and have her not say anything to anyone. but that won't happen... I don't want my mom to know... I THINK I can stop on my own, but I'm not 100% sure... I kind of want help... I'm doing good it has been 10 weeks... I WILL get through this... I feel Numb. like I can't feel any feelings. but I feel hopless, and sad, and worried, and a little mad, with other emotions...

PLEASE DON'T JUDGE!!!!!

Please Don't Judge!
You know only my name not my story, 
You know nothing about me,
You don't know what I've been through,
You Don't know what I like to do for fun,
You don't know that I'm Smart,
You don't know that I battle depression,
You don't know that I love school,
You don't know Who I really am.
You don't know me!
You just  judge me because other people don't like me,
Other people don't like me for no reason, 
When you judge me, you are just showing how ugly you are on the inside,
How much you don't care that I'm suffering,
How much You don't think.
I Would NEVER judge you!
I would get to know you, for who you really are! 
so Why, Why must you Judge me?
You don't even know What I've been through, 
What I'm going through,
But You probably don't care,
And you probably don't care how much worse you are making my life.
I am here if you want to stop judging me, 
I will listen to what you have to say,
I WILL be there for you, 
I Will Be your friend. 
I won't care what other people say, or think about you.
because I want to know you for you, 
Not You for what other people think!
So Pleas don't judge me, I am A good friend!
I am a good person!
I am not what other people say about me.
I will not let them tear me down because they don't know me for me,
I will only pity them and pray that they will be able to stop judging people.
 Written by: I Am A Broken Child.

I feel HORRIBLE

So today, I was a tiny bit happy, then... BAM it hit me, all the sudden, no warning, I felt REALLY, REALLY, REALLY sad, with a lot of other other emotions, I don't know what happened, it was just all of the sudden. I want to have a disease called 'happiness' but IF I actually do get happy for once, which isn't very often, then all of the sudden I just get hit by A TON of other emotions, and it's like I almost don't want to let myself be happy, when I actually can, because afterwards, I feel even worse... Why can't I be happy, and stay happy!?!?! I wonder if this happens to anyone else... My Flashbacks are so real, it's like I'm at his house again, and he's hurting me again... I can feel the pain, all I see is me being in his room on his bed, him on top of me... I can smell his sweat... I'm so terrified... and then it's like I leave my body... I go numb, I can't feel anything anymore, I'm safe I'm flying like a bird in the sky... and I can see through the roof, what he's doing to that poor little girl... then I'm falling, and I can't stop, and I'm back in my body, but still numb... then I feel A LOT of pain, and then my memory goes black... 

Today 7-25-12

So today, my mom and I went over to her friends house to watch her baby quail eggs, and baby quail, and chickens while they where gone. They told me not to get too attached to the baby quail, and to not name them. well that didn't work, I Got attached to the quail, and named the two littlest ones, the littlest one is Anna, and the Second littlest one is Stephanie! My mom got kinda mad that I named them, but she wasn't too mad... and as soon as we got back home, my grandma tells me all of the things that she didn't do while we where gone, that she would like me to do... water the plant, do the dishes etc.... and she asked me what we (my mom and I) had for dinner, and then as I am on the computer typing, she starts trying to talk to me about nothing, its like I want to say "grandma will you please shut up! I'm trying to type, and can't you get of your lazy but while I'm gone and do things for yourself?!?!" but I would never say that, I'm not rude... I Never cuss, but I don't care if other people do... I only judge myself, and I need to stop judging myself! (according to my counselor I need to stop judging myself)... But  no worries, I Don't judge other people, they are only human, and if they make mistakes than that's fine! :) I was somewhat truly happy today... it kind of felt good! :) I'm NEVER happy, I have depression, and I'm always REALLY sad, etc. so it was a nice temporary change... It didn't last though... now I'm back home, and I feel like curling up into a little ball with my teddy bear and crying... but my mom would most likely see me and then she would want to know why I'm crying, and truthfully, I have A LOT of reasons to cry, but I really don't exactly know why I want to cry... but at the same time I am AFRAID to cry... When I was little and my dad would do things to me, and any other time while I was at his house, he would get really mad when I cried, and he would beat me until I would stop crying... I was soo TERRIFIED of him... It was really hard to stop crying while he was inflicting pain on me, and calling me things... okay well I can't type anymore, because if I do I WILL Cry and I'm going into a flashback...

My Writing assignment from my Counselor: ( I have to complete the sentences, and she said, I could write about one, or all)

• One thing I like about myself is:
• One thing others like about me is:
• One thing I do very well is:
• A Recent problem I have handled very well is:
• When I'm at my best I:
• I'm glad that I:
• Those who know me are glad that I:
• A Compliment that has been paid to me recently is:
• A Value that I try hard to practice is:
• An Example of my caring about others is:
• People can count on me to:
• hey say I did a good job when I:
• Something I'm handling better this year than last is:
• One thing I've overcome is:
• A good example of my ability to manage life is:
• I'm best with people when:
• One goal I'm presently working towards is:
• A recent temptation that I managed to overcome is:
• I pleasantly surprise myself when I:
• I think that I have the guts to:
• If I had to say one good thing about myself I'd say that I:
• One way I successfully control my emotion is:
• One way in which i'm very dependable is:
• One important thing I intend to do within two months is:

I Feel Really bad for my counselor though... Yesterday she just sat there, and listened to me babble on about nothing in particular... Although I do have to say she looked like she was comfortable :) Which is good, If she happens to read this, (I'm sure she won't) but you never know... I'm sorry for babbling on about nothing yesterday...

My Story Part 2 :

Sometimes I would ask him, what he was doing, or what a word meant, or even if we could go to the park... and he would get soo mad... He would stop whatever he was doing, and he would Yell at me... and get his belt, and spank me, and he even sometimes slammed me into the wall... I remember a few times when he pushed me onto the floor, and he would step on me... He was careful to only leave bruises that would heal before I went back home (to our moms), but he made sure it hurt... I was so terrified of my Excuse of a father! He told me if I told anyone he would hurt my mom and my grandma, and my brother, and my sisters, while making me watch, and then he would hurt me. (just to let you peoples know, this is a generalized description, of some of the things I went through, not a specific memory...) I wonder so many things... How could someone, especially a parent hurt his child? How could someone live with them selves after doing something like that... especially to a little helpless child? How could he hurt me? Why Did he hurt me? How could my mom not notice? How could no one notice all the pain I was hiding? (I was Very good and am still very good at pretending I'm okay, and happy.) How could you make a child promise not to tell such a big thing? Why did he want me to like what he did? Did it hurt him (psychically) too? (I mean I guess it probably didn't because that's what men are made for doing...no offence. If I offended anyone by that, I am REALLY Sorry) How many other people and children has he done this to? Did he do it to my mom? Did he do it to my sisters? Did he do it to my brother? am I the only one? Why me? What did I do? How could he love me, but hate me at the same time? am I ever gonna get over this? AM I gonna be able to EVER Move on with life? am I ever gonna be able to have a boyfriend? Am I ever gonna be able to have a boyfriend and do it, without Flashing back? AM I gonna ever be able to sleep without these night mares? I am I ever gonna be able just to crawl in bed and fall asleep? am I ever gonna be able to have children? Am I ever going to stop having flashbacks? am I ever going to not feel so Darn Depressed? am I ever gonna Be able to be able to get close to men? am I ever gonna be able to trust easily again? am I ever gonna be able to trust again? am I ever gonna be able to trust men again? ( I have about four men teachers, that I trust... kind of, it took all school year though!) am I ever going to be able to talk about what happened without flashing back, or getting scared... Am I ever going to be able to ask a question again, without worrying that something bad is going to happen? Will the questions I have ever stop coming?  ... I have Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, OCD, and I am paranoid something bad is going to happen to me... I have a Counselor, She is really nice, and understand, and I trust her A LOT. but it is still really hard to talk about what happened to me... I am doing a little better since I started talking to her though... I still Have Flashbacks daily, and on and on and on... 

My story Part 1:

     (I am 14 years old. I am Female.) All I want is to feel 'Normal'... But I don't even know what Normal is... All I want is to forget. I want to forget what My daddy did to me, But I want to remember... My daddy Raped Me. My daddy Molested me. My daddy Beat me. My Daddy Neglected me. and Here is my Story:


     When I was six months old, my Mom divorced my dad. I Lived with my mom. But about every four to six weeks, I had to have Visits with him, for about four weeks at a time.He locked me in my room. He only fed me once to twice a day, every day-two days. He Fed me a Tiny bowl of cereal, with water in it, because he wasn't going to waste money on milk. If I did something he didn't like, silly little things like if I stood still for too long, or if I ate too slow, or wasn't walking fast enough, or I was walking too fast, If I cried, If I begged him to stop ect. He would beat me. He was constantly telling me how stupid,fat,ugly,worthless I was. He constantly called ma a Bit*h and a C*nt, he even called me his little Wh**e sometimes... He was constantly Cussing. and If I talked, anytime other than he asked me a question, he would cuss at me, call me names, tell me to shut the Fu*k up, or Shut the he*l up. and He would yet again beat me... He would beat me if I answered wrong... he Only let me shower the first day I was there. Unless I got bloody. and he would use no tears shampoo, so that I wouldn't cry... He would get me in the shower, and then he would get in too. and he would wash all the germs from my mommy off. he had to do it though, because I couldn't do it right, and he would pay special attention to my private parts. then He would make me wash him, and I had to pay special attention to his private parts... he would then tell me to suck on his thing. I did what I was told... It was gross. I felt like I was gonna Puke. I felt like I couldn't breathe, like I was choking. and then, we would get out of the shower. and he would dry me off, again paying special attention to my private areas, and He made my dry off his private areas, and he did the rest of his body. Then he would lay a towel down, and he would make me lay on it, he would lay on me. I felt like I couldn't breathe. and he would shove his thing where it didn't belong. Sometimes I would beg him to stop, and he would get REALLY mad. I was TERRIFIED of him, and that look in his eye. he would then tell, me that I DID like it! and he would make me say it. and then he would, get his belt, and he would spank my bare bottom. He would do that until it was beat RED. and then he would make me lay back down, and he would Shove his thing where it didn't belong... It Hurt Soooo Much! but I wasn't allowed to cry. and then I remember there being a little blood sometimes. He would just, use a baby wipe, and wipe me clean. and then he would lock me in my room. Throughout my visit, I never knew when it was coming... He would unlock the door, and he would either beat me, or he would grab me, and take me into his room, and he would undress me, and make me undress him. then he would touch me... and then he would, either make me lay on the floor, or his bed, and he would insert his thing Yet again where it DID't belong... either my front private, or sometimes my bottom. I Begged him to stop, and eventually stopped begging, because he would get sooo mad. I eventually just felt numb.and Distant. He Scared me Soo Much, I never knew when it was coming, or exactly what he was going to do.